A rough transcription of this morning's prayer time:
"O Lord, grant us to greet [LUCY STOP CLAWING AT THE DOOR, ALRIGHT?] the coming of the day in peace [LUCY!! Knock it OFF!], help me in all things to rely upon your holy will. [LUCILLE! HONESTLY, WHAT IS WRONG <gets up from prayer bench and lunges towards bedroom door>. YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN, YOU FAT BEST. I'M LEAVING MY DOOR OPEN SO I CAN SPRAY YOU NEXT TIME YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT ENTERING.] Bless my dealings with all who surround me. [<~16 squirts with water bottle in general direction of bedroom door>] Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day [LUCY GET OFF THE DANG TABLE. NO. GET AWAY FROM MY FLOWERS. <more squirts, way too many to count>] with peace of soul and with firm conviction that your will governs all. [<HUGE CRASH!> VASE OF FLOWERS FALL TO GROUND. LUCY MEOWS IN DUMBFOUNDED TONE OF VOICE, WITH A FLOWER PETAL STICKING TO HER WHISKERS. LUCY GETS SPRAYED. SEE LUCY GET SPRAYED, SEE LUCY RUN (WADDLE)] In all my deeds and words, guide my thoughts and feelings. ['meow'! LUCY I'M NOT ENABLING YOU TO ENGAGE IN GLUTTONY. WE'RE PRAYING. SHUT UP!] In unforeseen events [<heaving sounds heard from unidentifiable wet-swamp-cat-beast in opposite corner of room> IF YOU THINK I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU FOR EATING THE FLOWER PETALS, I FEEL THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF SORRY. PUKE ALL YOU WANT. SERVES YOU RIGHT.] let me not forget that all are sent by you. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering [NO, DON'T PUKE ON ME! PUKE OVER THERE! PUKE ON MOMMY ROOMMATE, IN HER BED! GO!] and embarrassing others. Give me strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day [LUCY I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. DON'T YOU DARE PUKE ON ME.] with all that it shall bring. Direct my will [WHAT PART OF 'I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU PUKE ON ME' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!] teach me to pray [AW, SICK! Oh, come on Lucy!] And, Yourself, pray in me. Amen. [GROSS! <wipes cat puke from prayer-folded hands.]"
No comments:
Post a Comment